7 Reasons Why
BIG BROTHER Canada
NEEDS To Call Me!
I’m a reality TV junkie.
Survivor, Amazing Race, RuPaul’s Drag Race, Big Brother…that’s merely the tip of the iceberg, and I’m a huge fan of them all. (Well, except for Dancing With The Stars, because, DAMN IT, THEY ARE NOT STARS!!!)
And like all reality fanatics, I dream of someday having that starring role, to join that pantheon of reality superstardom, like Rachel & Brendon, Evil Dick, Sharon Needles, and that guy that dated Lance Bass for the publicity and all the shoes Backstreet Boys money could buy. Yes, someday I’ll finally get to hang with the Real Housewives of Vancouver and get botox injections for my birthday while I finally explain once and for all what “vintage” means. But which path to take, what role to play, which show to choose?
Survivor’s the original and the best, but it comes with one MAJOR drawback, and that’s the creepy crawly critter they like to show in close-up….and I don’t just mean Jeff Probst’s face. I hate spiders, snakes, reptiles. Basically most anything that crawls or slithers. I can just picture sitting there in tribal council, trading witty barbs and cool glances with my latest arch nemesis of the week, when suddenly some scaly eyed monster goes waddling past, and I’m screaming like a 12-year-old school girl and flying through the air, landing squarely on Jeff head. Unless there’s some bad ass exterminator on my tribe, no need to vote me off the island….I’m out of there!
Then there’s the Amazing Race. But considering I get culture shock from a trip to Dartmouth, set the GPS on my IPhone for most walks home, and have to look at the L shape my left hand forms to remind myself everyday that the way to my office of three years is left, and not right, off the elevator, setting me loose in a foreign country is not only bad for me but for tourism and hospitality everywhere in general!
Now RuPaul’s drag race has entered more words into my vocabulary than my entire elementary school career (“that’s fierce!”, “bringing the t”, “sashay away”, “throwing shade”, “I ain’t gonna RuPologize”) but, trust me, you do NOT want to see these wide shoulders or hairy legs squeezed into a dress. NOT pretty!!
So that leaves a little show known as Big Brother, which so happens to be my absolute FAVOURITE (Julie Chen really IS my homegirl!), and also happens to be launching a Canadian version of it’s own on Slice: Big Brother Canada! Could this be my time? Has my golden opportunity to reality television stardom finally arrived?
YES! Now, if only to convince those BB Canada people! I mean, my sister says I’m a total shoo in….and she lived with me for 12 plus years, so I figure she should know!
So after some serious contemplation (at least the last 20 minutes!), I’ve come up with the top seven reasons why I simply MUST be the next Big Brother Star. And so, in no particular order, here we go…
1) ATTENTION! I LOVE IT!! Good attention, bad attention, any attention….as long as SOMEONE’S noticing, I’m happy! Camera’s everywhere, 24/7, people following my every move, hanging on my every word….HELL YEAH….sounds like my idea of a good time!
2) I’m ANIMATED! Sort of like a walking, talking cartoon! I’m constantly moving, making funny faces, big gestures, noisy sound effects. Even my eyebrows have a life of their own, with one always trying to “one up” over the other. There’ll never be any “down time” while I’m on camera…I’m always in motion!
3) TALKING! I like to TALK. And I mean a LOT. In fact, some might say I never shut up. Even when I’m sleeping. Plus, I talk fast. I could cram a lot of words in between commercial breaks. There’ll never be any long pauses or dead air when I’m around. Trust me, I’ll bring the noise!
4) PICTURE FACE! Some faces are MADE for radio. This is not one of them. That studied pose: with shoulders back, legs slightly spread, head lifted, body turned just so to the camera. That devilish smirk, with arched eyebrow and twinkle readily placed in eye. I can look IDENTICAL in almost any picture (even my Mii could be a stand in!) I have picture face down to a science, and I’ve never met a flash bulb I didn’t like. If you have a camera, I’ve got the look!
5) I’m COMPETITIVE! In fact, if I can’t win, I don’t wanna play! Once upon a time, I wore that on a T-shirt. And I figure with all this practice on the Wii Fit (I’ve got mad hula hoop skills and a killer snow ball pitch), and the fact I would clearly rock a penguin suit, I’ll be ready for whatever crazy stunts BB wants to throw at me! Besides, what goes down in the living room any given day is probably freakier!
6) SHOWMANCES! Not MY showmance (I’m quite happily partnered and co-parenting a very high maintenance cat, thank you very much!) No, I’m talking, rather, about my match-making skills! I’ve taught hot girls how to cruise hot guys and live happily ever after (with twins even!), and helped lesbians find love over the internet, instead of those traditional places like potlucks and hockey practice and union rallies! Why, I’ll be facilitating so much romancin’ that we could spin things off into a sequel next year, or at least a very special episode on Maury Povich: Big Brother’s Bouncing Babies, Yummy Mommies, and Dead Beat Daddies!
7) Surviving BIG BROTHERs: Growing up, I once shared a bedroom with two older brothers so smelly that their combined scent could be bottled and sold as a Weapon of Mass Destruction! And adding further insult to injury, I slept on the bottom bed of a twin bunk bed, watching the seriously drooping mattress dip inches from my face, slept soundly upon by my very large, very round big brother, waiting to crush me at any given moment. I could go months sometimes without sleeping! And being the only right handed boy in a house full of lefties, and seated next to said giant lefties smashing elbows at every meal, I went without food often! Have Not Bedroom? Slop? Please. Sounds like resort living to me!
So as you can see, clearly I’m destined to not only PLAY Big Brother Canada, but to WIN Big Brother Canada! And with my impending, inevitable, and long overdue celebrityhood, maybe I’ll get to take that prize money and produce my own darling brain child reality show: “The Real Housewives of Cape Breton” (just picture it: Rita MacNeil, the Rankin sisters, Mary Morrison and Ashley MacIsaac, set in a run down cosmic bingo hall that doubles as a fully licensed bowling alley, a bootlegging operation, AND a Pay Day Loans store! Genius! It will be HUGE!)
Guess it’s time to go work on my audition tape! Big Brother Canada: are YOU watching?
Oh, and all you floaters out there? Better grab your life vests because here I come!