The Story of Stuff – Part Deux!

When I moved in to my first grown up apartment – and no, I don’t mean those 6’x8′ cellar dungeons I used to call home during university days….the small, cramped space where I’d stockpile my expensive and rarely used textbooks and musty vinyl collection, with a noisy refrigerator whose sole purpose for being was to keep the beer icy cold – I literally had an overstuffed and well cat clawed blue couch that travelled with me from my parent’s home in CB, a small TV liberated from my older sister, a 5-year-old Dell computer that worked best depending on how hard I might kick it,  an eclectic and rather obsessively organized CD collection, and a small crowded bookshelf, filled with Stephen King and Anne Rice’s finest, next to classics like The Great Gatsby and The Catcher in the Rye from my former English major days. The small kitchen contained a few mismatched pots, pans and dishes salvaged from the aforementioned and ever so helpful big sis….but no kitchen table. There was no need, as work and a fairly active social life left little time or desire to eat at “home”. The open concept living room/dining room contained neither a coffee table or end tables, as it seemed to me that might only collect mess and clutter. And, as you might recall, the misguided words from a kindly ol’ nun from my childhood left me  somewhat deeply  changed, with the undying impression that clutter was somehow… wrong. Bad. Evil , even. And so I’d have none of that. In a sense, I learned to recycle long before it became vogue or….you know…necesarry to save our environment and the future of all humanity and all that.  Mail would quickly be opened, then filed and/or shredded. Empty cans and bottles collected and dropped off on the curb, where some poor homeless dude would quickly make off with them. Countertops sparkled, floors shined, and dishes safely stacked away behind cupboard doors, avoiding any prying eyes. If I needed to take note of something or write it down, I would often need to write it on my hand or home to remember it, as a scrap of paper to simply jot things down was simply nowhere to be found. Things seemed sterile and safe, clean and simple, and I often joked with friends that if I needed to move away quickly for whatever reason – say I finally won a million dollars or decided finally that my arch nemesis of the moment must die and I needed to flee the country quickly -I could probably pack all I needed or wanted in a small box and be off into the sunset.   And I continued this way for years, and my orderly universe continued to spin neatly on its axis, a life lived clean and clutter free.  Where everything had its place, and it’s place was….well,  tidy.

And then….along came Shawn.

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Flirting 101, or How I Learned to Not Love Dating So Much.

Flirting 101, or How I Learned to Not Like Dating So Much

I’m a flirt.  Shamelessly so.  Some might go so far as to say I’m an attention seeking freak really.  I’ve been known to flirt with man, woman, animal, vegetable…I refuse to differentiate.  No one, it seems, is off limits.   I charm waitresses and bartenders into serving me first, I’m known as the dog whisperer as my canine friends come running, tails a-waggin’, through Point Pleasant Park, and it’s ridiculous the things I can make ‘pasghetti and meatballs do.   And trust me, these suave, sophisticated ways are not new.  In fact, for me, I think they practically date back to infancy.  Now, bear with me a minute…I grew up with four siblings, one of which is a mere 14 months younger then me.  It’s hard to get any undivided attention from anywhere with all that noise.  Now, imagine being a toddler with messy hair and drool on my t-shirt and a smelly and likely way too full diaper, and THEN having to compete with a  helpless tiny newborn baby girl all swaddled in pink.  I remember my great aunt Jessie telling me about how, when my sister was born, I’d sit in the corner all doe eyed while all the well wishers paraded past me while I went unnoticed, eager to see the new bundle of joy, and then she, feeling sorry for me, would scoop me up and swing me in the air, and before you knew it was laughing and clapping my hands, with a roomful of rapt followers all of my own.  So nowadays it’s a mischievous smile and a twinkle in my eyes, instead of giggles and clapping, but it all translates to that same attention seeking behaviour.  Now, that’s not to say these um…skills have made my entire dating life easy.  Quite the contrary.  Remember, I said I was as good at attracting ’em, I didn’t say I was necessarily as good at keeping ’em. And keep in mind when the time came that I was finally comfortable with my sexuality, openly gay and actively dating and all that, I was left with, statistically speaking, under 10 percent of the male population – that’s technically not a whole heck of a lot to work with, people! And so, my dating life was still full of highs and lows, of learning experiences and horror stories, of guys just “kinda curious” or so deep in the closet you’d need GPS and a really big spotlight to locate ’em.   And you know what else?  It was a LOT of work.   Having to put yourself “out there” meant BEING out there…and having to socialize.  A lot.  Bars, restaurants, coffee shops, weekend parties with friends of friends you barely know.  That stuff gets expensive!  And then there’s looking the part.  Making sure you’re dressed well and smelling pretty just in case you happen to meet the ONE in the grocery store line.  Or say working out on a treadmill when you’d rather be sucking  back beer and pizza.  And then there’s dating THE ONE and finding out, once the honeymooners over around day 3, that the love of your life is actually a stark raving mad lunatic, who thinks they’re part werewolf or a Martian in witness protection….and so then you decide not to date for awhile, maybe stay in and date “yourself”, which then turns into you watching all the seasons of Friends consecutively while binging on jellybeans and  having deep conversations with your cat.  Now none of that was me EXACTLY, but you get my point.  You see, it’s true, my “powers” didn’t seem to work so well for me in the lucky in love department, that gift to attract attention, that boyish charm to keep it…. So instead, for a time, I decided to play matchmaker for my friends.  To help them find the ONE.  Because I do believe, for everyone, the ONE is out there.  And so as far as that goes, my track record’s stellar.

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