Summer Lovin’! Or Fifty Shades of Gay!

As I strolled along the beautiful Halifax waterfront one recent sunny afternoon, I couldn’t help but notice a rather large number of smiling, hand holding couples that clearly did not fit Joey’s Rule of Three. You remember Friends Joey, and his philosophy that you could only date someone 3 points away from yourself, meaning if you were a 10 you couldn’t date anyone below a 7 (you could, however, date two 4s!) Everywhere I looked there were these gorgeous super models being trailed by some ridiculous looking skater boi, naughty librarians arm in arm with some sweaty muscled tattooed biker type, elderly grandfathers taking their young granddaughters for an ice cream treat….oh, wait, that’s not her grandfather. Least I HOPE that’s not her grandfather. (Ewww!)

Um, anyway, all around me, these strange, not so wonderful, goes against nature couplings were happening. And stifling the urge to grab any random girl, point to Quasimodo at her side and scream “DEAR GOD WOMAN, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM!?!” I was instead left to ponder why. WHAT could be the cause of all this bizarre summer loving? What could make cupid’s arrow go so astray that Miss California with the perfectly tanned skin, beached blonde hair and seriously surgically enhanced boobs would ever comtemplate engaging in some serious tongue action with pimply faced creepy ginger Super Nerd in the way too skinny skinny jeans? Did they not watch Friends, and learn those valuable life lessons from Joey Tribiani the way I did?

No, the desperate lack of Friends reruns was NOT the true culprit. Seems a poor girl simply had no choice but to settle nowadays. The true dastardly villain in all this was our SOCEITY itself. Because when you look at love and relationships in our world today, it seems you have two choices: you can either go all gay, or be willing to go all freaky. Otherwise, get ready to settle for Not So Mr Right But What The Hell.
Yup, it’s the Rise of the Gays, and Fifty Shades of Grey…THAT’S what’s wrong with love these days!

Just last week I was at Rainbow (they just don’t call it Rainbow for nothing!) Haven Beach and watched two young guys who mistakenly thought they were in some extended Abercrombie & Fitch commercial. Seated next to a gaggle of pretty girls that were far too busy talking about the really important things in life like the high cost of sunless tanners, hair extensions and what tattoos placed strategically where were likely to piss daddy off the most, these two lovebirds frolicked and played in the ocean waves before rolling around lip locked and tongue tired (literally) on the beach. Biting my lip so as not to scream “YO, SISTERS, GET A ROOM!” I was dumbfounded to discover that no one seemed to really notice or care about this serious case of boy on boy way too much PDA action. And why should we care? Queer life is becoming so commonplace it’s as if the straight world is now becoming desensitized to it. With my arch-nemesis Anderson Cooper as only the latest example, everywhere you look in Hollywood these days (just ask ol’ Perez Hilton!), you’ll see gays on parade. Hell, you can’t even open a comic book without seeing big gay X-Men weddings, or a Green Lantern macking on a dude! Coming out’s not only becoming more socially acceptable….it’s downright desirable. EVERYBODY wants to be queer…so much so that next thing you know, some poor girl’s going to cute meet a nice boy at Starbucks,or make flirty eyes with some handsome guy at the grocery store, and suddenly mystery boy’s going to sashay up in his neatly pressed khakis, too cool Ray Bans and tight black polo and instead of grinning and slyly suggesting a phone number he’ll say “oooh LOVE love your shoes, can I try them on?” or “that Channing Tatum….he NEEDS to call me!” And suddenly, before you know it, all these pretty girls will have their own pocket gay that they’ll stuff into some oversized designer bag and tote about, telling their girlfriends over martinis that “well, the sex life sure sucks, but DAMN that boy knows how to shop and accessorize!”

Then there’s Fifty Shades of Grey.
Now, I’m a big reader. I love books, and I’ve always thought that, regardless of what it is, anything that gets people to read is a good thing. But then I met the Twilight series, and came to realize that’s not so true. So finding out that Fifty Shades of Grey actually originated as fan fiction based on the Twilight series was almost slightly traumatic. I mean, just when you think the world couldn’t get a WORSE role model then Bella, here comes Anastasia Steele and her literal doormat self. But truth be told, I don’t care about the explicit sex scenes, or the BDSM aspects (different strokes for different folks…well, very HARD strokes in this case apparently!) And although, indeed, I doI find it troubling that that the story paints an unhealthy, unrealistic portrait of a relationship with one partner totally dominant over the other as this ideal, that’s not my biggest issue with it. What I find most offensive is THE BAD WRITING! When I recently watched a rather creepy exchange between a grandmother and a store clerk at Chapters as they excitedly panted about the storyline, I was horrified to hear the grandmother’s bubble gum snapping 14 year old granddaughter proudly proclaim “yeah, and when she’s done reading it, I’m gonna read it too!” And as my mind reeled in horror over the very thoughts, it wasn’t at the mature content these impressionable young lass would be exposed too, but the terrifically bad grammar and poor storytelling! “Put the book down and step away!” I wanted to scream! “Go watch Dallas…its back! Go live vicariously through the Real Housewives of Vancouver!” Just STOP READING THIS STUFF!!” I mean, who knew if this poor girl’s literary IQ would ever recover from the damage between those pages??

Or, as someone recently pointed out to me, if women everywhere aren’t careful, someone’s going to get hurt doing that shit.

Hmm. A self help book isn’t a bad idea. And if I combine that and the world’s other latest obsession…

That’s IT….FIFTY SHADES OF GAY!

Wow, a million seller if I ever heard one!
Oh my! Me go now. Must get bad writing! Me be RICH! 🙂

3 comments

  1. teenagefreak · July 17, 2012

    Colin,

    I’m pretty sure I just rediscovered all the reasons why you’re fucking hilarious. I seriously lost it. And may I add to the “gay is desirable” opinion– just look at the video for “Call Me Maybe.” You’d think that every teenage girl would be crushed at the end of that video.

    –Madeleine

    • Colin James Morrison · July 17, 2012

      Thanks Madeline!
      And I forgot all about that Carly Rae! 🙂
      Glad you liked!

      • teenagefreak · July 17, 2012

        I’m basically going on a marathon through your blog. So if I comment on a post you wrote like… a month ago, don’t feel compelled to read it. It’s probably just me detailing in a different wording about how I just laughed my pants off or I gave a good AMEN at the end.

        –M

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